Blofeld has got messianic qualities. But I intended that as a compliment
Readers will be aware that The Critic’s proprietor, Lord Kronsteen, has been expelled from the board of our holding company, SPECTRE, over human resources violations. Here he replies to the criticisms made against him.
Let me be abundantly clear on one thing. There is no evidence against me, and no living witness. Not since this morning.
SPECTRE has removed me from the organisation before any investigation has started. They have deliberately conflated the complaints to insinuate that I am guilty. I will not tolerate these falsehoods, and discussions have already taken place with my worldwide team of assassins.
I have never made any derogatory comments about women. How can it be anything other than a compliment to tell Comrade Klebb that she has a fantastic pair of knockers?
Is it a surprise that these allegations were made public the day after I made reasonable criticisms of Ernst Stavro Blofeld and the SPECTRE leadership?
I stand by my words. Blofeld has got messianic qualities. But I intended that as a compliment. He is going to save our decadent planet from the lightweight gene pool that risks destroying mankind.
It is a witch hunt, plain for all to see. I have been entirely frozen out of the SPECTRE machine over the last few months, in a deliberate and calculated way.
I have tried and tried to restore communication, doing everything from planting bugs in our volcano lairs to leaving cyanide in the coffee of colleagues. I have failed, categorically. Despite repeated requests for regular meetings, policy debate and even just the most basic level of gunplay, I am ridiculed and insulted.
My one and only summons from Blofeld to SPECTRE HQ came at such short notice that I barely had time to think of a credible excuse
There were five members of the SPECTRE executive committee — we could have fitted in a large tank of piranhas. Getting together for a weekly meeting is not beyond the wit of man.
Yes, I am not your usual criminal mastermind. I am fortunate to be wealthy from my work as a chess grandmaster. I am not in this for money. I am in this to wipe out nine-tenths of humanity.
Do I need to spend my weekends plotting the murder of world leaders, or sending beautiful women to entrap secret agents? No. But I love it. Being SPECTRE’s head of plans is the biggest honour of my professional life.
I have been betrayed many times in my life, but never so ferociously by individuals I once called friends. SPECTRE’s Human Resources team were involved at every step of the way, and were fully supportive of the killings undertaken.
This is not about that. It is about me, and a complete inability for the SPECTRE leadership to even accept the most mild constructive criticism. The allegations against me from Blofeld relate to an incident in December, but he only mentioned them to MI6 the day after my reasonable questioning was published. Take from that what you will.
I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for the millions of indecent British men and women who put their faith in SPECTRE. They deserve a better class of vicious charade. Will members be pleased to know that their fees have been spent on hiring expensive torturers to investigate their own executive with zero credible evidence?
Everything has been put at risk. Everything. The future of our giant space laser is now in peril. How can SPECTRE claim to be a functioning network for counter-intelligence, terrorism, revenge and extortion when we can’t even follow basic HR processes?
SPECTRE has been killing off the Double-0 section for months. But this infighting will leave us looking unserious and turn henchmen off. Infighting failed Quantum — and it’s failing SPECTRE.
On multiple occasions, I have invited Ernst Blofeld for dinner over the last few months. Every single one has been refused or ignored. My one and only summons from Blofeld to SPECTRE HQ came at such short notice that I barely had time to think of a credible excuse — no further invitation was extended after that.
Again, I offer a public invitation to Blofeld. Let’s resolve this in the matter that our members, supporters and the world would expect: hand to hand combat. Any time, any place.
Removing me from the executive before any investigation has even started is a cowardly act that undermines our entire cause. SPECTRE deserves better.
