In Newbury, a fibreglass effigy of Paddington Bear was torn down by two drunken RAF engineers. For once, this was an act of vandalism the police would prosecute — though of course CCTV footage and the severed head of Paddington sticking out of a car boot made it just easy enough for the modern British plod to crack the case.
A typical case of drunken yobbery, you might have thought — of the kind typical of raucous British towns on a Friday night. But those attending Newbury magistrate’s court discovered something far worse had occurred: sacrilege. A presumably weeping magistrate informed the ill-behaved engineers that Paddington “represents kindness, tolerance and promotes integration and acceptance in our society. His famous label attached to his duffle coat says, ‘Please look after this bear’.” These malefactors had vandalised more than a rather tacky piece of public art, they had torn down a symbol. “Your actions were the antithesis of everything Paddington stands for.”
In modern post-Christian Britain, where maudlin sentiment substitutes for mystical ecstasy, Paddington is a secular saint, and a representative of British Values™. Attacking this fictional children’s character, and profitable film franchise product, is now an assault on the entire edifice of contemporary multiculturalism.
We’re a deeply unserious country. But if judges can invoke fictional ursines as if they’re national heroes, then lowly hacks should be able to start asking some pointed questions too.
Perhaps it’s time to reconsider Paddington’s immigration status? Consider the facts. Paddington entered the country without a valid Visa — he’s an illegal bear. We don’t even know his real name, and he lacks a birth certificate, passport or driver’s license. Despite dubious claims that he is a “refugee”, he claims to be from Peru: a safe, stable and prosperous country. We are also unclear about his age. Spectacled bears reach maturity at around 4-7 years old, but the books span years. He does not attend school, but lives as a dependent in the home of a well-meaning West London couple. If Paddington is an economic migrant, why does he not seek work until the seventh book? And if he is a refugee, or a minor, it was illegal for him to pursue employment. And of course he ends up working in a “barber shop” — almost certainly a money laundering operation.
Like those arriving on small boats, Paddington appears to have destroyed his documents, lied about his age, and disappeared into the grey economy, all while having his food and accommodation provided for him. He is described as “charismatic” and “charming”, but he has a dark side. Many innocent officials and shop-owners can report his habit of glaring menacingly at those who don’t give him what he wants.
And there’s worse to follow. As well as a habit of intimidation, Paddington has failed to integrate into British society, and is regularly disruptive and anti-social in public places. On one occasion Paddington rushed around an underground station frightening people, and had to be removed by police. That’s when he’s not flooding the house of the family that is paying his bills. In another incident, he storms onto stage during a play and tears down the curtain, claiming not to understand what theatre is.
It’s time for Britain to grow up and put Paddington on a flight back to Darkest Peru
This last is an alarming detail. Is Paddington really from Peru, which has a theatrical tradition dating back to the early 17th century? Or is he perhaps from an Islamic country, where plays are disapproved of by austere religious scholars? Whisper it, but could Paddington be an Islamist? It certainly puts his activities on public transport (and his trips to national monuments) in a far more sinister light.
This isn’t about fur colour either. I would oppose illegal polar bears roaming the streets of London, disrupting national life, and refusing to integrate, just as much as I would black and brown bears. You don’t have to be Nigel Farage to see that there are people (and bears) taking the British people for a ride.
Call up the home office, and fuel up the plane. It’s time for Britain to grow up and put Paddington on a flight back to Darkest Peru — if that’s even where he’s really from.
