Having changed out of her wedding gown into delicate white lace lingerie, Sarah Jones-Green slipped between the sheets of the bridal suite’s four-poster bed and reached for her new husband.
Wedding nights are often a time of anticipation, but Sarah’s nervous excitement was particularly acute – because this wasn’t just her first time making love with Martin, but her first time ever. She’s one of a vanishing breed – a virgin bride – having made the decision early on in life that she wanted to save herself for her husband.
In today’s world of swiping right for casual hook-ups, Sarah might be an anomaly but, far from feeling like a prude, she has no regrets.
‘Before we were married I felt no shame telling people I would remain a virgin until my wedding day,’ she says.
‘Why should I? I don’t judge anyone else for their choices around what they do with their bodies, and saving myself for my husband was mine.’
So her wedding night should have been memorable for all the right reasons. Unfortunately, six months after their happy day, Sarah remains a virgin, their marriage still unconsummated. But it’s not the case that the couple realised there was no sexual chemistry between them, nor have they split up. Sarah and Martin remain devoted to each other and the spark is definitely still there.
However, because of her lack of experience, it wasn’t until her wedding night that Sarah made a shocking discovery; she has a rare medical condition affecting less than 1 per cent of women that makes sex impossible without an operation.
‘I never imagined that we’d be unable to have sex on our wedding night,’ says Sarah, who has just turned 45. ‘Martin and I had waited so long finally to be able to make love.
‘So it was devastating not to be able to have that wonderful experience, something we’d both really looked forward to.’
It’s a cruel twist after years spent turning down the prospect of sex.
Until her mid-30s, Sarah insists she hadn’t been interested in finding love and neither did she feel she was missing out on a physical relationship.
Having been brought up as a practising Christian by her loving parents in south-east London, who encouraged her to save herself for her future husband, throughout her 20s she had been happy pursuing a marketing career.
It was only in the following decade that she began to think about meeting someone to settle down with and have a family. Like any modern singleton, she turned to dating apps.
While realising that few men would be willing to have a sexless relationship, she was still surprised by the reactions she got when she informed them she intended to remain a virgin until she was married.
Sarah Jones-Green made the decision early on in life that she wanted to save herself for her husband
Sarah was often met with incredulity – not to mention abuse. Some men told her she was ‘frigid’ and should ‘go be a nun’, while others immediately blocked her. ‘It was hurtful being told I was “a weirdo” and “a god-botherer” but it helped me rule those men out, before I wasted any time on them,’ she says.
Her first internet date was dinner with a personal trainer and divorced dad of two, with whom she says there was a definite physical attraction.
‘I’ll never forget the look of shock on his face – he almost choked on his pasta – when I said I was a Christian,’ recalls Sarah, laughing. ‘He said, “Oh, so you don’t believe in sex before marriage?” I shook my head and there were a lot of awkward silences after that.’
And no second date.
‘Then there was the guy I arranged to meet at a London art gallery. We had a perfectly lovely afternoon, viewing contemporary paintings, until he said, “Next time, let’s book a hotel room.” I told him that was something I’d only do with a husband, which seemed to render him speechless. I never saw him again.’
After two years, Sarah was beginning to think that finding a man who respected her choices was impossible. But then along came Martin, then 40, whom she met through the dating app Bumble at the start of lockdown in March 2020.
‘His dating profile said he was “looking for a special lady to settle down with”,’ recalls Sarah. ‘He had a gorgeous smile and lovely green-blue eyes, so I swiped right and we matched.’
However, Sarah was alarmed that her dating pattern would repeat itself when he told her he was hoping to ‘meet a beautiful woman to wake up beside and have a cuddle’.
She recalls: ‘I responded immediately, saying “I won’t have sex before marriage” – and, instead of insulting or blocking me, he said, “Oh that’s fine, I literally mean ‘a cuddle’. It’s your body, your choice and I’d never pressure you.” I was incredibly touched that he respected my decision.’
The following day the country went into lockdown and there was no chance of meeting up for the next six months.
Instead, Sarah and Martin chatted about the films and TV series they were both watching and the DIY they were getting done while unable to go to work, as well as their family and friends and hopes for the future.
Their first date, in September 2020, was at London’s Victoria and Albert museum, having both agreed that the exhibits would be a welcome distraction should they struggle to make conversation. In the event, they got on even better in real life, laughing and holding hands as they wandered around.
On their second date, in a park close to Sarah’s home in Greenwich, Martin presented her with a bouquet of red, orange and pink roses, which she had mentioned were her favourite flowers. Trips to the cinema followed.
Thanks to further lockdowns, it was April 2021 before they finally had their first kiss.
‘We were sorting out junk in my parents’ loft and I got some dust on my face,’ says Sarah. ‘Martin leaned over, wiped it off and then we just kissed. It was so lovely.
‘He knew I needed to take things really slowly and, after that, we had many intimate moments, though always stopped short of having sex.’
For his part, Martin, now 44, says that, although he’s not religious and has had sexual relationships in the past, he has ‘never been a one-night stand kind of guy’. Having been on numerous dates with women he met online and struggled to make a lasting connection with, he felt a strong attraction to Sarah, physically and emotionally, and decided he was prepared to be open-minded. ‘The more I got to know Sarah – she’s kind, funny, loving and, like me, loves theatre, art and music – the more I realised she was definitely worth waiting for,’ he says.
‘I was raised to respect a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body so would never have pressured her.’
Sarah met Martin through the dating app Bumble at the start of lockdown in March 2020
While they spoke about marriage and having a family, Sarah’s mum became unwell with pancreatic cancer. Caring for her, something Martin also helped with, left little time for thinking about their future.
Then, in February 2023, Sarah and Martin were enjoying a three-course meal when he surprised her by getting down on one knee and asking her to marry him.
‘He presented me with a beautiful diamond-encrusted gold ring and the band that was playing serenaded us with Frank Sinatra songs,’ says Sarah smiling, her eyes welling with tears at the memory. ‘I said “Yes!” and the whole restaurant clapped.’
Sadly, Sarah’s mum died just two weeks later, meaning their marriage plans were put on hold.But last year she finally felt able to begin arranging the big white wedding she had always dreamed of.
In September, more than four years after she and Martin first connected online, a horse-drawn carriage transported a glowing Sarah and her dad to the same church her parents had married in 50 years earlier – where she exchanged vows with Martin in front of 70 friends and family.
After the reception, the newlyweds excitedly headed off to a Tudor hotel, set in 12 acres of Hertfordshire countryside. But there was to be no happy ending for the couple – not yet anyway.
Despite Martin’s slow and gentle attention to his new bride, penetration proved impossible and their attempts left Sarah wincing in pain. ‘I was so upset,’ she says. ‘I remember saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, though I had no idea why we couldn’t make this wonderful, natural and, I had always imagined, instinctive, thing happen.
‘Martin was so gentle, but the pain felt piercing. Sensing me pull away, he immediately stopped, telling me, “I don’t want to hurt you.” He was so understanding – just as he’d always been about my decision to be a virgin bride. Otherwise, if he’d tried to force it, I think the pain could have been excruciating.
‘The foreplay had been satisfying, so, rather than keep trying and risking further pain, we snuggled up together and spent the rest of the night lying in each other’s arms.’
Despite Martin’s assurances that there was no rush for them to consummate their marriage, Sarah was desperate to find out what the problem was, and booked an appointment with her GP as soon as they were home.
‘My doctor initially thought that my issues may be psychological, that, having waited so long to have sex, I was overly nervous, causing the muscles in my vagina to tighten [a common condition called vaginismus],’ says Sarah. ‘However, I told her I was genuinely looking forward to giving my virginity to my husband and insisted that the issues were physical.’
An examination confirmed that she has a rare condition called an ‘imperforate hymen’, in which a thick membrane completely seals the vaginal opening – as opposed to a typical hymen, which only partially covers it.
Having never attempted to insert a tampon, which would also have been unable to bypass the thickened hymen, Sarah was unaware she had this congenital anomaly, believed to affect between one in 1,000 and one in 2,000 women.
Concerned about the pain it may cause, she refused the doctor’s initial suggestion of using a vaginal dilator to attempt to break down the membrane, opting instead to be referred for surgery. She has been on the NHS waiting list for the minor operation since October last year.
With her initial consultation scheduled for August and no date for surgery in sight, Sarah now plans to have it done privately, at a cost of around £1,200.
‘I’m hoping it will happen in June, though I’m a bit nervous about it and not sure yet whether it will be done under local or general anaesthetic,’ she says.
‘Rather than the discomfort of the surgery, and the month of healing afterwards, I’m trying to stay focused on how it will be to finally make love with my wonderful husband, who, thankfully, has the patience of a saint.
‘I’ve bought a new set of white lace lingerie, especially for the occasion, and we’ll book another hotel room and try to recreate our wedding night. Am I excited? I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.’
She insists she’s not worried that, having ‘saved herself’ for so long, carnal pleasures may turn out to be a bit of a letdown. ‘Not at all,’ she says. ‘The foreplay is wonderful – and Martin is very skilled in knowing what feels good for me. We’re a very tactile couple, always kissing, hugging and holding hands – in restaurants, on walks and at the cinema.
‘People often comment on how affectionate we are with one another and ask if we’ve just started dating. I put this down to the fact we didn’t rush our courtship, so everything still feels new and exciting.
‘We were cuddling after stopping to admire some garden flowers a few weeks ago and a man shouted from a passing car “Get a room!”, which made us laugh.
‘Martin and I are so in love, I’m confident that intense physical closeness will make us feel even more connected.’
Despite her age, Sarah and Martin are still hopeful of being able to have a child – a desire that makes the delay for surgery even more frustrating.
‘We’d love to have a family,’ she says. ‘It may take a miracle for us to conceive at our age, but we both believe it’s possible.
‘My mum was 43 when she had my little brother, which gives me hope.’
Sarah, who talks openly to family and friends about the fact that she and Martin are unable to have sex, has decided to share her story with a wider audience to raise awareness of this little-known condition.
‘In speaking about my experience, I hope to help other women who find themselves in this position, whenever they decide the time is right to lose their virginity.’
As for Martin, he tells me: ‘I’m sad for Sarah that she has to go through surgery to be able to do something other women take for granted, but I know the sex will be incredibly loving when it happens.’
One can only hope that these newlyweds eventually get the wedding night they deserve.
