This article is taken from the March 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.
Cockney rhyming slang can cause problems for Americans looking to launch products in Britain, as Martin Amis noted in an article in the London Review of Books.
He was reviewing Iron John, Robert Bly’s 1990 book about masculinity whose title will have East-Enders sniggering into their jellied eels. Amis writes: “I’m afraid, iron (iron hoof) means “poof”.” I didn’t know this, but I was born in Northwick Park.
I did however raise a smile when Jon Bon Jovi released a French rosé called Hampton Water. “Hampton Wick” being rhyming slang for “prick”. You will of course remember the immortal lines from Carry on Henry: “Hampton Court?” “No, I always walk this way.”
So to those born within the sound of the Bow Bells, the former poodle-haired rocker’s wine means something like “cock piss”. But I suppose they’re not really the target market for a £20 pink.
One can imagine some grizzled old geezer saying: “Rosé? I’m not drinking that! People will think I’m an iron … Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
According to the press bumf “Hampton water” is a term used for rosé because people who holiday in the Hamptons drink it like water. Or something. I think they should have just called it Jon Bon Rosé.
I was dying to discuss all this with Mr Bon Jovi, who was in town with his son recently to promote the wine. But seeing as the PR specifically said I wasn’t allowed to ask him about music, I couldn’t imagine he’d want to discuss the inadvertently amusing name he’d given to his brand.
The wine is actually pretty good. It’s made by Gerard Bertrand, a former French rugby international and producer of the world’s most expensive rosé, Clos du Temple, which I wrote about last year.
Other musicians-turned-wine impresarios are much more relaxed about conversation topics. There were no such limitations when I met Alex James, the Blur bassist, last year to talk about his Britpop range of drinks — including two excellent English sparkling wines.
James appears to be far more involved in the process than most celebrity wine types: he knew all about the history of English wine and had even read my book on the subject Vines in a Cold Climate. Alongside the fizz, which is by Furleigh Estate in Dorset, there’s now a Somerset cider brandy, a vodka, elderflower spritz and a cider.
When talking about wine, cheese (he makes his own) or attempting to make the world’s largest Frazzle, there’s something of the mad scientist about James — a trait that I’ve noted in many winemakers and distillers.
Another musician who knows his stuff is Sigurd Wongraven from Norwegian death metal band Satyricon. Not only does he have his own eponymous brand which includes a German Riesling, Barolo and Champagne, but he also contributes learned articles to wine magazines.
But for every Wongraven or James, there’s a Kylie or Dolly Parton who simply sprinkle some of their magic stardust on the bottles whilst letting the experts take care of what’s inside.
And why not? It’s easy to be sniffy about celebrity wines, and I can be as sniffy as the next man. But for many drinkers, seeing a name they love on a label is an easy way to navigate through the complexities of Appellation Contrôlées or grape varieties.
It’s not just musicians who have got in on the wine game. Actors, athletes, TV presenters and others have all released their own ranges, from the hugely successful such as Graham Norton to the probably best forgotten like Phillip Schofield, whose wines rapidly disappeared from the shelves some time in 2024. I wonder what happens to disgraced celeb wines. Perhaps they just get re-labelled?
Whilst musician and TV presenter wines can be hit or miss, I’ve found that cricketers’ wines tend to be reliable. Ian Botham’s range contains some excellent wines whilst I was bowled over (sorry) by Stuart Broad’s Beyond the Wicket Shiraz Cabernet from Victoria.
It offers a lot of sophistication for around £12 from Laithwaites/The Sunday Times Wine Club which sells Britpop fizz too, as well as some good stuff from New Zealand, South Africa and an English sparkling wine.
Other cricketers including Graham Gooch, Allan Border and Ricky Ponting have their own wines, whilst former South African professional Jake Winter has gone one step further and given up the game to become a full-time winemaker in Australia.
There seems to be an affinity between wine and cricket. I think it comes from the long tours to wine-producing countries such as Australia, New Zealand and South Africa. And whilst cricketers are much fitter than they used to be (sadly there aren’t any Mike Gatting-type figures in the game today), there’s still, I imagine, a lot of time to socialise over good food and drink.
Cricketers, from my experience working in sports book publishing, tend to be garrulous, sociable creatures compared to monosyllabic footballers. So if you’re looking for a reliable drop of Calvin, look for a cricketer on the label. Calvin Klein, wine. Do try to keep up.
