It’s time to jump on the B.A.N.D.W.A.G.O.N.
Keir Starmer’s decision to host the makers of the hit Netflix show Adolescence to discuss “the issues raised in the series” confirms that if you want the government to take action on something, you simply need to make a successful TV show. Last year it was postmasters. This year it’s teenage boys.
In fact, so central is on-screen drama to government policymaking that ministers have set up a special unit to identify areas for study identified by the people with their fingers on the pulse of modern Britain: film and TV producers.
Project “Bring Apple Netflix and Disney to Whitehall And Gladden Our Nation” — B.A.N.D.W.A.G.O.N., for short — has been bingeing boxsets for a week and has already identified several key areas of research. The Critic has gained exclusive access to the results.
The White Lotus. We hear a lot about the problems of the underprivileged, but what about the trials of the overprivileged? From hotel staff defecating in their luggage to Tom Hollander trying to kill them, these guys can’t catch a break, even when they’re on a break. To tackle the scourge of teenage incest and random murder among the super-wealthy, Foreign Office officials are lobbying hard to be allowed to open consular offices in luxury hotels around the globe.
Severance. Is it legal to create a class of people who never leave their weird underground 1970s offices? Can employers implant chips into people’s heads? And that’s to say nothing of the undiscussed MeToo issues of Apple TV’s show. You might not know what you think about all this, but Angela Rayner knows what she thinks, and that’s why you can rest assured that Lumon Industries won’t be bringing whatever their business actually is to our shores.
The Bear. Wes Streeting has set up a taskforce to look at the mental health pressures on Michelin-starred chefs, and to ensure that, when they break up with their girlfriends, they still stand a chance of being forgiven because they’re extremely handsome.
Slow Horses. The subject of a turf war between the Home Office, who argue that scheming and incompetence inside MI5 is clearly their departmental responsibility, and the Department of Health, who want to understand the cause of Gary Oldman’s flatulence.
With Love, Meghan. Should every overnight guest be entitled by law to handmade bath salts? What are the employment regulations around having a beekeeper on the staff? The Department for Culture, Media and Sport promises answers to all these questions, as soon as Lisa Nandy has found someone who has managed to watch the entire show.
Stranger Things. Could enhanced child telepaths break down the barriers between our world and some hellish alternate reality? And if so, can Ed Miliband find a way to build a power plant on the rift and speed our progress towards Net Zero?
Game Of Thrones. While this insanely complicated tale of backstabbing, betrayal and pointless border disputes is said to have heavily influenced the Conservative Party’s approach to the Brexit years — especially their conclusion that the eventual solution would involve magic — Labour are keen to learn from it too. In particular, John Healey wants to know whether it would be possible to solve Europe’s security problems by sourcing a pair of dragons.
The Crown. At first glance, Netflix’s long-running show about an imaginary kingdom ruled by a very odd family might seem a long way from the problems of Britain, but the prime minister can’t shake the nagging sense that it reminds him of something.
Captain America: Brave New World. An American president who has turned a very strange colour and seems intent on simply smashing everything up, heedless of the consequences? Fortunately, that’s one problem that the British government is determined to pretend it doesn’t have to worry about. Nothing to see here, guys!
