Dear Vanessa,
Two years ago, I paid for my daughter’s wedding – almost $35,000. It was everything she’d dreamed of, and I was happy to help her start her life with such a beautiful celebration. But now, she’s getting divorced. No big scandal, they just weren’t right for each other in the end.
I haven’t said anything, but I feel heartbroken and, if I’m honest, a bit bitter. That money came from my savings – I’m 60 and still working – and it feels like it was all for nothing. Am I awful for feeling this way?
Melissa.
Hi Melissa,
You’re not awful. You’re honest – and brave for saying it out loud.
You gave a huge emotional and financial gift, and now that the marriage is ending, it’s completely understandable to feel a sense of loss. That wedding wasn’t just about the money – it was about your hopes for your daughter’s future. And watching that future change course can feel like a kind of grief.
But here’s what I want you to remember: the wedding wasn’t a waste. It was a moment that mattered. It brought your family together, created memories, and showed your daughter that she had your full support as she started a new chapter in her life. That chapter may have ended sooner than anyone expected, but it doesn’t erase the love that was there on the day.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov
Even when people say, ‘it just didn’t work’, divorce is rarely simple. It can look casual from the outside, but it’s often the result of quiet heartbreak, disappointment, or real personal growth. Your daughter may not show it, but she’s likely dealing with a lot, in her own way.
Now, what can you do from here?
• Acknowledge your feelings. You’re allowed to feel upset but try not to bury it. Talk to a friend, write it down, or speak to a professional if you need to let it out safely.
• Have a gentle conversation with your daughter. When the time feels right, share how you’re feeling – not in blame, but with honesty. Something like: ‘I know this has been hard for you. I just want to share that I’ve been feeling a bit sad too.’
• Protect your future finances. If the money came from your savings, now’s the time to refocus. Plan to rebuild – even small, regular contributions can help you feel back in control.
• Speak with a financial adviser about your retirement. At 60, it’s the perfect time to get clear on what retirement might look like, and when you can realistically step away from work. An adviser can help map out your current position and what’s possible over the next few years.
• Set clearer boundaries going forward. If you’re ever asked to support big events again – weddings, house deposits, travel – take the time to assess whether you can truly afford it without compromising your own security.
You’re allowed to feel sad. You’re allowed to feel flat. But try not to carry resentment – it won’t serve you, and it could make it harder for your daughter to come to you when she needs emotional support.
You gave with love. That still counts.
Take care,
Vanessa.
