Q My husband of 40 years is behaving in a way that shocks me. We have drifted apart in recent years – I’ve had health issues so have perhaps taken him for granted.
However, he recently acquired some ladies’ lingerie and occasionally wears it in bed. When I expressed my horror he said it was a fetish he’d always had and that he found the feel of silk and lace relaxing. It has the opposite effect on me. I can’t bear him near me when he is wearing it. When I insisted he leave it behind while on holiday, he blanked me in the bedroom – not a cuddle or any affection.
I miss the physical side of our relationship and yearn for normal male tenderness. He is a good husband and father in many ways, though I now realise our sex life was never satisfying – I tolerated his poor performances and ignored the signs we were ill-matched.
I concentrated on the children. Now we are retired, we should have more time for each other but we don’t. He spends most of his days in the garden, we don’t talk much and I wonder what the point is of living together like this. I don’t love him any more.
I don’t want to live alone, but we could manage financially. Am I being unreasonable?
A You are clearly unhappy, I’m sorry. This must have been a shock, especially after so many years together. Are you being unreasonable? Well, yes and no. Many women would struggle with their husband wearing women’s underwear. However, your husband must have been wrestling with his own feelings for a long time – hence his withdrawal when you expressed discomfort.
As you’ve pointed out, one major issue is a lack of communication – you stopped talking years ago. You’ve also kept silent about your unmet physical and sexual needs and, while it is sad that you have missed out on closeness, you also mention his ‘poor performances’. It seems you’re placing the responsibility on him to satisfy you, but it would have been better to try to improve things together.
I wonder if you worry he is gay, but that is unlikely. Often a man wearing women’s clothes is about expressing a softer, more feminine side of himself, or simply the sensuality of the fabrics. If you understood this, it might help reduce your feelings of repulsion, though he also needs to respect your wish that he doesn’t wear these items in bed.
The crux of this is you say you don’t love him any more. Sometimes love can be rekindled but, if not, it would be less painful to separate and live alone than to stay together. I recommend couples counselling to help you decide and provide support to both of you – either to stay together or separate amicably. Try relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk.
IS MY FRIEND OVERSTRETCHED OR REJECTING ME?
Q A close friend I’ve known for years keeps cancelling plans at the last minute. She always says she’s overstretched with work and children. I know she has a lot on – she has three teenagers, one of whom has anxiety issues. However, I have work and family, too (though only one child), and it’s starting to feel as if she doesn’t want to see me any more.
Every time she cancels, I feel unimportant, as if our friendship only matters when it’s convenient for her. I’m torn between wondering if she is all right, whether her excuses are genuine and feeling hurt. I don’t want to feel like an afterthought.
A It’s hard to feel rejected in this way, but sometimes friendships take a back seat when other issues become a priority. The difficulty, as you realise, is working out whether your friend is making excuses or is genuinely overwhelmed. Can you ask mutual friends if they have had similar experiences? I would imagine they have.
Anxiety issues in a teen can be all-consuming for a parent. She might have downplayed the seriousness to you as she finds it difficult to talk about. Also, people suffering stress sometimes make plans knowing, realistically, they won’t be able to keep to them. This may seem easier as they don’t want to disappoint by refusing, but it ends up being more disappointing when they have to cancel.
Perhaps you could tell her you value her friendship and miss spending time together, without placing blame. She may not realise how it affects you. Maybe you could stay connected in ways that require less commitment – a phone or video call. Do confide in others about how you feel. You need an outlet.
