Q At a recent family party, an older cousin, who I’ve always got on well with, suddenly turned on me. I’m single, and he demanded to know if I am a lesbian (I’m not, and I wanted to know why it would matter if I were). Then he said that if any man wanted me, it would only be a really old man. I’m 52!
What hurts most is that this cousin was older than me when he met his partner, and they have had many happy years together; and my cousin’s son met his partner when he was not much younger than me. It upset me so much. My cousin was so vicious, bringing his face so close to mine that it was almost touching while he raged at me. No one else was in the room and, as he is normally so friendly, I doubt that anyone in the family would believe me if I told them what happened.
Why would he behave like this towards me? I am at a total loss to understand. And I certainly won’t be going to any more family parties.
A I am so sorry you have had this upsetting experience; it must have shaken you. It is horrible when someone who is usually friendly acts so out of character. I have some theories about his motive.
First, he might be jealous: his own relationship may not be as happy as it seems, or may be going through a rough patch, and he wishes he were single again. Or perhaps he has harboured a crush on you and repressed the desire – particularly as you are his cousin – only for it to come out as rage after a few drinks. His attack on your so-called lack of attractiveness to men your own age might be his way of putting you down in order to big himself up.
I share your outrage at his questioning of your sexuality – he is clearly homophobic, and I agree it would make no difference to anything if you were gay. I don’t like the sound of this man.
However, there is another possibility. Your cousin must now be in his 70s, so there is a chance he has dementia. It could explain such a noticeable personality change. That you doubt anyone in the family would believe your account of his behaviour suggests you don’t expect to be listened to or to have your opinions valued. This points to shyness or a lack of confidence.
It would be wise to ask someone else what they think, so approach the family member you trust most, and gently tell them of your concerns. Explain that your cousin’s actions are out of character and ask if they have noticed anything. That way you would at least make them aware of the issue.
Meanwhile, if you are happy being single, that’s fine. If it’s something you worry about or would like to change, lack of confidence or low self-esteem might be holding you back. Some counselling could help with that. Try bacp.co.uk.
I FEAR MY RELATIONSHIP IS SLIPPING AWAY FROM ME
Q I have been with my partner for five years and, while I love him, I feel we’re growing apart. He has become distant, always distracted by work or his phone, and if I bring it up he says I’m imagining things. When I have tried to communicate my feelings, he either brushes them off or promises to change, yet nothing improves.
I don’t want to end the relationship because when we first met, we hit it off brilliantly and would talk for hours. I also found dating in my mid-40s (after my divorce) so difficult. How do I get him to listen to me? I’m wondering if I’m holding on to something that’s already slipping away. I’m scared of making the wrong decision.
A It is painful when a partner changes towards you. The difficulty is working out whether he feels your relationship is fine and there’s nothing to worry about, or if, as you suggest, he has already emotionally disconnected. Unfortunately, people sometimes subconsciously withdraw when they want their partner to end a relationship so they don’t have to. Could this be the case?
What is his relationship history like? A series of short-term partners would suggest he pulls out all the stops to begin with but is not good at long-term commitment. Or could he be worried – has he had a bereavement or a problem at work? What concerns me is you are communicating to him clearly that you are unhappy and he is dismissing your feelings.
Deciding whether to stay in a relationship is hard, so do seek counselling (try relate.org.uk) to help sort your fears from reality. But don’t hold on for fear of being single. Feeling lonely in a relationship can be as isolating as being alone.
