Q I am mortified. I accidentally sent a very saucy text to a colleague. (His name starts with the same first two letters as my husband’s.) I only realised a couple of hours later and sent another text full of apology, explaining the mistake, but the damage was done. He said he understood but I am sure that he thinks I sent it deliberately. He’s been treating me differently and has been really awkward, barely meeting my eye and cutting conversations short.
It’s upsetting because I do actually really like him – though not in that way – and we’ve always been mates. But he is a good ten years younger than I am and it doesn’t help that he is actually very attractive, so he might have thought it was a come-on. But it really wasn’t – I’m happily married. I don’t know whether to apologise again or just leave it.
A I feel for you – messaging the wrong person is such an easy mistake. Clearly, if you are sexting your husband you have a strong marriage, so I believe you when you say this mistake was genuine, but wonder why your colleague doesn’t.
Might your warmth and friendliness have been misinterpreted as a genuine interest in him? Could it be that he feels awkward because he’d once seen you partly in a maternal light and glimpsing a sexual side has embarrassed him? Or could he be interested in you?
Talk to him and say you are mortified as it was a mistake but that you are sad as it seems to have changed your friendship. Perhaps ask him if he has found you flirtier than you realised you are. Make it clear that this was not intended and you really want to go back to being mates. Hopefully, it will blow over.
Q My husband and I are in our mid-40s with teenage boys and we’ve been happily married for 18 years. My husband’s sister lives near us and we are close. However, the other day when I was at her house, she asked if I could look after her dog in a couple of weeks’ time while she took her mum to hospital.
My husband had not mentioned his mother was ill – and I was shocked to discover that she was due to have cancer treatment. My sister-in law was equally surprised that I didn’t know. Their mum is a strong ‘put-a-brave-face-on’ type, having raised her two young children on her own after their father died. She never wants us to worry about her, so it is not a surprise that she hasn’t told me herself, despite our good relationship.
What hurts is that my husband doesn’t feel able to confide in me or feel the need for my support. He’s an excellent father and very much a family man. I appreciate how much he loves his mum, and I want him to be able to lean on me. I’m not sure whether to reveal that I know, or wait for him to tell me. Another dilemma is what I should say to our sons. They love their gran and I’m worried how this will affect them.
A I understand why you feel hurt that your husband hasn’t confided in you. However, don’t despair, I don’t think it reflects on your marriage. There may be many reasons for his apparent secrecy.
He is clearly very close to his mother, so might be in shock or denial and simply needs time to process the news. By not telling you, he remains disconnected from the truth, whereas revealing the news suddenly makes his mother’s illness more real. I suspect he is just like his mum in not wanting to worry you. Perhaps he is trying to protect you until after the surgery when he has a clearer idea of the prognosis. Most likely of all is that he may think you wouldn’t be able to keep it from your sons. You might be a more open communicator (which is lovely), while he perhaps is less so.
Now that you do know, it is best to tell him. Do so without blame and just say that you heard from his sister about their mother and how devastated you are for him (and for yourself and the boys). Add that you understand he was probably trying to protect you but that you just want to be there for him. It is also important to speak to your mother-in-law and let her know that she has your love and support.
Personally, I think it is best that your sons learn about her illness as they will sense something is wrong. You and your husband should find a time to tell them together, sparing too many details. I very much hope that your mother-in-law will respond well to treatment.
