Sede vacante, as they say in the Vatican. But how will the new man (or woman? Oh, OK) handle the challenges of leading the Roman Catholic Church through the coming decades? The Critic has been canvassing our top sources for suggestions.
JD Vance: “Look, he was alive when I left the room. Though I found his attitude frankly disrespectful. He wasn’t even wearing a suit. And while we’re on the subject, when has God ever said “Thank you” for everything America has done?”
Keir Starmer: “The new Pope will have a clear mandate for change, and the best way to achieve that is to keep everything the same.”
Donald Trump: “People say I would have made a tremendous Pope. I don’t know myself, maybe I was a little too keen on the ladies, but that’s what they said. Perhaps the greatest Pope ever. The most infalliballist. The Pontifex Maximost … ”
Kemi Badenoch: “My position on infallibility is very clear. Mistakes were made. I didn’t make them, I can’t tell you what they were, and you need to stop asking about them. STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
Nigel Farage: “Well Chris, it’s very flattering of you to suggest that I could be the next Pope, and of course that’s what the polls are saying too. Can I walk on water? Hahahaha! Put it this way: I’m never short of wine.”
Boris Johnson: “Me? Wholly Father? I’m not commenting without a DNA test.”
Rachel Reeves: “The last papacy left the Vatican with a 22 billion euro black hole, but my officials have developed an ambitious plan to fill it through the sale of indulgences.”
Elon Musk: “I disagreed with the late Pope about a lot of things. For instance, I’m pretty sure that I’m God’s gift to mankind. But I did agree with him about the importance of going forth and multiplying. And you know these days, wherever I go, that’s what people tell me to do.”
Dominic Cummings: “I’m not going to get into discussions about the advice I’ve been giving the Vatican, beyond saying that the only solution is a clear-out of the priesthood to bring in a few crack theology PhDs who can completely rewire the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ve also offered some contributions on the role of short car journeys in the recovery of sight for the blind.”
Donald Trump: “My encyclicals would have been the best encyclicals you’d ever seen. So many blessings. Everywhere I go, people are begging me: “Be Pope, please be Pope, you’d be great”. Maybe I should. Maybe I will. They’ll say we’re Making God Great Again.”
