This article is taken from the April 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.
One of the most beautiful moments in recent years was when the actor Elliot Page transitioned to male and thereby became a beacon of hope for humanity and an icon for the social justice movement. At the same time, now that Page is a straight man he is officially an oppressor and deserves nothing but our contempt.
This goes to show that the struggle for LGBTQIA+ rights is fraught with complications. But just because a movement is self-contradictory and incoherent, that doesn’t make it wrong. In fact, the very notion of “queerness” means to disrupt existing narratives. So the more deranged an idea sounds, the more likely it is to be progressive.
Let’s take the problem of heterosexuality. Firstly, it is important to emphasise that it is insufficient to not be homophobic; one must be actively anti-homophobic. Heterosexual sex is an act of discursive violence against the LGBTQIA+ community. Therefore, if straight people want to prove that they are allies, they must have sex with gays.
However, this does create further difficulties. The concepts of “same-sex attraction” and “opposite-sex attraction” are inherently transphobic. They are based on the offensive premise that there are only two sexes, when of course there are literally millions. For instance, out of the twelve members of my fortnightly tantric ecofeminist drum circle, over forty different sexes are represented. Vibrational therapy has never been so inclusive.
We find the same conflict with the term “bisexuality”. As members of the LGBTQIA+ community, bisexuals deserve to be celebrated and empowered. At the same time, their very existence implies that sex is binary and therefore they are all evil bigots who should be arrested for anti-trans hate.
In fact, it would be more enlightened to think of penises as upgraded vaginas
Let’s not forget the wisdom of Nancy Kelley, the former CEO of Stonewall, who said that women who excluded people with penises from their dating pool were “sexual racists”. Some of the bravest lesbians I know are extremely well hung. In fact, it would be more enlightened to think of penises as upgraded vaginas.
We find a similar intolerance in gay male culture. Thankfully, the gay sex app Grindr no longer allows users to filter out people with traditionally “female” genitalia. As its website says, “we allow filtering based on gender – you can specify that you want to see men or women – but this will include all men or all women, because trans men are men and trans women are women.” The very idea that gay men looking for sex with other gay men wouldn’t be interested in vaginas makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Thankfully, progressive institutions such as the NHS and the Islamic Republic of Iran are already offering transitional surgery to cure the inherent transphobia of homosexuality. Given that most gay people support equal rights for minorities, they will surely be grateful once we have eliminated homosexuality once and for all.
